No Pain, No Gain
by Azure K Mello
Summary: COMPLETE! Back in the good old days JS slash R for Language most of which is in the Author's notes
1. Default Chapter

Title: No Pain, No Gain.  
  
Dedicated to- Bow Ozinski, who lost her four year battle with breath cancer tonight. I know it's a shitty tribute, a fucking inconsequential fanfic, especially to such an amazing woman. You were like a mum to me and you will be greatly missed and I don't know what more I can say. Is it significant that you died on the same day as Christ? Who knows, knowing you, you willed it to happen as one last mark of irony. You introduced me to the joys of fur and kippers and so much that can't be said here. Trisha, Jo, Julia my thoughts and sympathy are with you. I love you all so much and words can't express how I feel for you.  
  
Disclaimer- nothing is mine.  
  
Warning- R for swearing  
  
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Sirius was lying on his bed in the dormitory. The summer was approaching fast and from the onset it was clearly going to be a bitch. He flopped on his stomach and looked at the other occupant of the room. "It's hot," he said stating the obvious, "I have to get out of this room. Wanta go down and sit by the lake and poke the squid with a stick? It'll be fun. And maybe there'll be a breeze down there."  
  
Peter looked up from the book he was reading. "Why not? I can concentrate in this heat."  
  
They meandered down to the common room and grabbed Remus just as James walked in, in a huff. He looked bleary eyed, he'd either been drinking or crying or both. "So I finally told Lily. She hates me!" he said as he slumped into a chair. "And I don't want to sound brash but I'm a marauder, I don't get scorned. Women line up around the Great Hall for the chance to have me even look at them!"  
  
"Damn straight!" said Sirius with a smile. "Come down and poke the squid with us? It should be fun." He said poking his best friend softly. "We could shout insults at it and run away when it tries to attack. Better yet! Get the invisibility cloak, it'll be so confused."  
  
James just shook his head irritably. "I think I'd rather get drunk and drown myself in the Prefect's bathroom tub." He said conjuring a six pack of Butter Beer from thin air.  
  
"I think you're more likely to get overly hydrated rather than drunk on that stuff man, it's baby's stuff. Ya wanta get drunk? We'll go get a lot of mead in our systems later. Ya wanta be dead? Well my friend, I'll drop a fucking rock on your head later. But first come and have some fun. It'll be like a last meal before the Dementor's kiss. You can't sulk in here. You're a marauder women don't reject you, you let them think they did so they don't get their tender feelings hurt."  
  
"No, Pad, thanks but I need ten minutes to brood over the lovely Miss Evans. Maybe I'll take you up on the drinking trip later, but right now I think I'd just be a drag to be with."  
  
"Do you want us to stay?" asked Padfoot.  
  
"No, I'd rather be alone." He said laconically and downed a bottle of the amber liquid.  
  
Sirius hid his hurt expression. "Well you know where we are."  
  
The three walked out of the Gryffindor house via the picture frame. He stopped slowly as the picture swung back into place, walked to the wall, faced it, and began repeatedly braining himself.  
  
"As much as I love to see how much blunt head trauma it takes for you to give yourself an aneurysm, I think you should just come out and tell Jay, no pun intended there." Said Remus with a smirk.  
  
"Agreed. Your tortured 'wow is me that I must love my best friend' act was funny for the first four years. But now it's starting to wear." Said Peter.  
  
"Oh, yes I can see the conversation now: 'James, there is something I'd like to tell you.' 'Sure, Sigh, just let me go write a love sonnet to Lily Fucking Evans first. . . Now what did you want?' 'I want to declare my undying love to you.' 'Isn't that swell, say help me pick a perfume for Lily, who by the way isn't worthy of touching my feet.' I think I'd like to skip the inevitable soul crushing pain of being rejected, call me mad."  
  
"You don't know that for sure, Sirius. Maybe it would be different." Said Peter softly.  
  
"Yeah, you're right, he might never want to talk to me again. Thanks but no thanks."  
  
"You would never lose his friendship, not over this." Said Remus trying to make him see the light.  
  
"Oh yeah? And what you know this through the many times you've come out to your best friend who you love?" asked Sirius sarcastically.  
  
"In a way, yes. No one likes werewolves, we're evil, vile, mudblood creatures. But if you three can look over that, why do you think he would hate you for this? The worst that could happen is that he says no."  
  
"Oh and how bad could that be right? It's only like having your still beating heart ripped out of your chest, stamped on, and handed to you on a platter with an olive sprig and a condescending voice asking if you can still be friends. I think not, you maybe into pain, but that's not my scene."  
  
"Fine, but as Madam Hooche says when setting bones during Quidditch practice: no pain, no gain." Said Remus.  
  
"I know," said Sirius softly with a raw voice.  
  
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Feedback: should I continue? 


	2. By The Lake

Author's notes- To Sam and Dave for this exchange- the next morning after waking up after a long night of drinking where in my bro Toph passed out on the floor because he couldn't get into his top Bunk:  
  
"What was going on on the floor last night?"-Dave  
  
"Oh, well Cary's gay and Toph is experimenting."-Sam  
  
Five minutes later when I actually see Cary:  
  
"Hey, Cary, how was your night?"-me  
  
"I'm no Gay!"-Cary (all night long at the sorority house lesbians questioned his sexuality)  
  
This happened today when I went to see my brother up at Cornell. He told me before I went that I wasn't allowed to like Sam because Sam had decided he wanted to "pull me" from a conversation that we had on the phone wherein I was crying and he thought I sounded "cute and vulnerable". Toph doesn't want us together because "He's dirty, Az." But after speaking to him. . . I really want him. He's so cute and angry and self loathing. On to the story!  
  
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"Hey," said James as he wandered down to the lake. "I got tiered of being all by my lonesome. . . now to find a good stick." He said searching for an object to prod the squid with. He found a stick and sat down next to Sirius in the shade of the tree. "Are you ok? It's just if anyone's moping more than me it's you."  
  
Sirius looked up slowly at his friend's face. "Yes, James, you're right, I'm miserable because here you are fawning over Lily Evans when I'm the one who loves you. And it hurts that you can be so blind. I've been sitting right here all along and you blunder from one body to the next looking for some sort of release and it never once occurred to you that I could make you happy. And I make these subtle hints all the time, but the insightful Mr. Potter never picks up on them and I'm feed up. So here it is in big bold letters. I am in love with you." He said softly with a near acrid undertone.  
  
James turned away. "Fine, don't tell me, see if I care. I thought I just might be able to help."  
  
Remus and Peter sat with looks of shock on their faces. Remus managed to keep his jaw shut while Peter's hung down to the floor. Sirius laughed softly and stood up, "You can't help me." He said and kissed the top of James' head. "I'm bored of this sport, I'll see you all at diner." And with that he stalked off.  
  
"So does anyone have any idea what that was about?" asked James as he turned to his companions.  
  
"Why do you obsess over Lily? I mean, yeah. She's pretty, and popular, and pleasant, and smart, and funny. And you're head boy and she's head girl. And she has a great ass. . . But I mean other than that what is there?" asked Peter then he reviewed his words and said. "I just realized I should really gat back to that reading." Said Peter and hurried away as fast as his short legs could carry him.  
  
Remus watched him go and then turned back to his book. James watched him for a moment and said. "Moony, what the hell is going on? Why is Pad in a bad mood? And why does everyone but me know why?"  
  
Remus looked up very slowly. He placed his book aside and crossed his hands in his lap. "James, you're the smart one, Sirius is the volatile one, Peter is the endearing one, and I'm the calm one right?"  
  
"Yeah." Said James sounding lost as he had no idea where Remus was going.  
  
"Well let's up stereotypes aside because you're a fucking moron and I can't deal with it anymore. Does Sirius ever lie when it comes to us?"  
  
"No." said James slowly.  
  
"Then why the fuck did you brush off everything he just said?" said Remus evenly as though explaining it to a child.  
  
"He was joking." Said James as though it should have been obvious.  
  
"Does he usually leave crying after telling a joke?" asked Remus as though it was news to him.  
  
"He was acting."  
  
"Was he?" asked Remus, "Or was he hurt that after spilling out the truth that he's been hiding for four years you brushed him off?"  
  
"I'm such a bastard." Said James as it dawned on him.  
  
"No, you're just a thoughtless little boy." Said Remus as he picked his book back up.  
  
"Wait, you can't go back to reading! I need your help in ratifying this!" said James panicking.  
  
"Just tell him that while you care very deeply for him and he will always be your best friend you do not love him." Said Remus without looking up.  
  
"But what if I do?" asked James.  
  
"Do you?" asked Remus in a lackluster tone without looking up.  
  
"I don't know! Hey, I'm sitting here questioning my sexuality and you can't even be bothered to put your book down."  
  
"Sorry this is no revolution, Jay, for anyone but you." He said putting his book down and trying to look companionate. "Look, whatever you're feeling you should tell Sigh. And if you can't say it articulate it in some other way. Because right now he must feel like he's been kicked in the stomach. And if you even care about him as a person you shouldn't let him go through that. Are you done needing counseling 'cause I'm at a really good part of my book?"  
  
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"Fuck me in the eye." Muttered James as he stood in front of the portrait of the fat lady.  
  
"No, dear, that's not the password." She said.  
  
"Sorry, Plum-rific." He said and the painting swung up. He stepped into the common room and took a deep calming breath before heading up the stairs to the dorm. He had no idea what he was going to say to Sigh but he would cross that bridge when it came time to burn it, he thought but then he realized that made no sense. He opened the door softly. Seeing that Sirius' curtains were closed around his bed instilled a feeling of trepidation in him. Silently he crossed the room straining to hear what Sirius was doing. "Sirius?" he asked softly.  
  
"Go away, James." Came the lifeless reply. "Just leave me alone."  
  
"No," said James as he pulled back the curtains. There lying on his back was Sirius with tears rolling down his face. And he suddenly took Remus' advice and showed Sirius what he was feeling. Looking down at his best friend weeping he felt his chest constrict at the fragile state he had caused. He hated himself for hurting Sirius like that. And he did what he wanted to do, what he felt like doing. He leaned down and kissed his best friend full on the lips. "Don't cry, shhhhh," he said laying down next to him and wrapping his arms around him. "Don't cry, it's alright. I'm here and it's all gonna be fine. So don't cry, 'cause I don't want to hurt you. I love you, it's all ok. Just don't cry now, I'm here." 


	3. Lily

Author's notes- why do I want Sam so badly? Is it because he's a cute drunk with self image problems? Does anyone know why I go for the relationships that burn me? Does anyone reading this care?  
  
Dedication- to he whom I really shouldn't want so badly.  
  
Warning- Slash.  
  
Disclaimer- nothing is mine. Not Shelly nor Yeats nor J.K.R.  
  
Warning- R for swearing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The four boys were silently eating breakfast the next morning. None of them were morning people and so conversation was never a precedent at breakfast. Nor today, it seemed, was eating a priority. They picked at food and scowled at the daylight pouring in through the windows. Sirius seemed in a foul mood more so than the others. He shot James a look but James never glanced up to meet his eye. Instead he kept his eyes fixed on the toast he wasn't eating. The sick feeling was stuck at the bottom of Sirius' stomach. What if all James' words were just that: words. Little did he consume as he allowed his inner demons to eat his flesh away.  
  
Trying Remus desperately to break the awkward silence said, "Full moon tonight boys."  
  
"Fancy that." Muttered Sirius noncommittally. "I have divination first I should probably get going, it's a long way to the north tower." He added slowly.  
  
Just then a very annoying voice behind him laughed a soft, fake laugh. "Why do you four look so glum?" asked Lily Evans. "You look like someone killed your cat!"  
  
"Binkdine died last night." Said Sirius, never one to miss an opportunity.  
  
"I'm so sorry!" said Lily feeling instantly guilty for her brash comments when Sirius' cat had actually died.  
  
"He's joking, Lily, what do you want?" asked James slowly.  
  
Lily looked around conscious of the audience but knowing damn well she wouldn't James alone she said, "Yesterday, I was rash. . . I was just a little stunned. Maybe sometime we could go out?" she asked tentatively.  
  
"No," said James and then he lengthened the answer. "A marauder waits for no man, or woman, you missed your chance, I've moved on to pastures greener. Sorry, Lil, but I mean you didn't think I would moon around going 'oh why doesn't Lily luve me?' for days on end like a cat that just won't die, did you?" he said quote in broad Scottish brogue as he often did while impersonating quotes. "You're a very nice girl, and I like you, as a friend. Now if that's all Sirius and I were about to go to class?"  
  
"Yeah, that's all." Said Lily shocked at the borage of words.  
  
"Good, well if you'll excuse us. I hope there are no hard feelings?" she shook her head still dazed, "Good. Bye, guys." He said as he practically picked Sirius up from the table. He marched his ward out of the Great Hall quickly. Upon getting outside he found the loose board behind which was a secret room "Revelo." He said touching it with his wand. He pulled Sirius in behind him and threw him up against the wall as it rematerialized behind them.  
  
Sirius touched James' face softly. "Are you ok?" he asked softly.  
  
"Just shut up for a second?" begged James. "Ok?" Sirius just nodded and stopped suddenly as James Kissed him passionately. James stopped only when he realized that Sirius did in fact at some point need to breathe. He himself however was beyond that simple, human need, for he felt like a god. He rested his forehead against Sirius'. "I love you. Ok?" he asked the question as though to check with Sirius if that was acceptable. "I love you." He repeated when Sirius just smiled faintly. He looked slowly into Sirius' eyes. He smiled and whispered, "Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half-light, I would spread the cloths under your feet. But I, being poor, have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams under your feet, Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."  
  
"Yeats?" asked Sirius with a smirk, "I've fallen for a man who quotes Yeats? Oh Merlin kill me now. Something has gone terribly wrong in the world. It's a really case of: My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings. Look unto my works ye mighty and despair!.  
  
"Now You're quote Shelly!" said James with a laugh and an exaggerated eye roll.  
  
"Well I couldn't let you think you're the only literate one in this relationship."  
  
"Relationship?" questioned James with hope in his eyes, he had never hoped for Sirius to be so forgiving of yesterday: like water from a duck's back.  
  
"Relationship." Confirmed Sirius. He sighed, "fuck, we need to get to class." 


End file.
